


No Such Thing as a Hurting Heart

by ughwritingammirite



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, anyway idk if there is anything i need to warn of??, asdjfkjgjk ok i'll stop, but it's only one line rlly and it doesn't go into detail, but yea, feeling-ception, he needs healthier coping mechanism like cmon, hes my ultimate problematic fav tbh, hope yall like my quickly written feelings abt jared's feelings, i love yelling abt jareds character tbh, i mean there's a small bit of self-hatred??, idk what else to say lol what a way to start my account, like at all or anth, lmfaO o f c this is my first work i post im cackling, smh this boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-17 23:23:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11278911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ughwritingammirite/pseuds/ughwritingammirite
Summary: Jared had never been hurt enough that he felt it in his heart.He means, sure, he got sad. He could feel knots and drops in his stomach and he could feel his throat close up and tighten and he knew he was going to be miserable for a while -- but those were his stomach, his throat, his knowledge; not his heart.Eventually, Jared just didn't believe that a hurting heart was a real thing.Well, at least not until the result of the Connor Project and years of him being a dick slapped him in the face.





	No Such Thing as a Hurting Heart

Jared had never been hurt enough that he felt it in his heart.  
He means, sure, he got sad sometimes, but everyone did. In the more devastating cases, he could feel knots and drops in his stomach, he could feel his throat close up and tighten, and he knew he would be miserable for a while -- but those were his stomach, his throat, his knowledge; not his heart.  
No, his heart was fine for the most part. He never felt the famous hole in his chest, he never felt the aching burn that people write and say broken hearts feel. At a certain point, Jared just didn't believe that a hurting heart was a real thing; it was all just poetic expression to get it across that the character was sad.  
He believed that until the second Evan Hansen, his "family friend" (who was he kidding -- his _only _friend), had finally snapped back at Jared and told him off.__  
It shouldn't have hurt; Jared knew he deserved it. God, he deserved so much worse in actuality. He didn't deserve Evan, he didn't deserve his companionship. He was awful to him and all because of selfish reasons, all because Jared couldn't get over his own insecurities and his own feelings, so he lashed out by biting others' weaknesses.  
But, regardless of how Jared _should _have felt, it still did hurt. And it hurt him in a place he didn't think could actually hurt.__  
"-so, maybe the only reason you talk to me Jared, is you don't have any other friends!"  
That is the scariest thing Evan had ever said to Jared. It opens him up, rips open every little thing Jared had tried to keep shut. He is vulnerable. Evan is finally biting back at his weaknesses.  
"I could tell everyone, everything!" It takes him a moment to respond due to the whiplash, but the words find their way out. Jared knows he was using last resorts here, he knows that he couldn't actually tell anyone anything about this, but he needs some sort of defense he needs something, anything--  
"Okay great go ahead, do that! Tell everyone how you helped write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself!" Evan snaps at him, glaring at him with a fury Jared didn't think he could posses.  
Jared doesn't know why that was the line that did it. That wasn't the worst thing Evan had said to him, his last sentence was. Jared thinks maybe it was the way Evan had said it; his eyes were ablaze with anger, his fists tightly curled. His voice was seething, angry, and full of dare, of accusation. The complete opposite of how Evan was normally.  
Maybe it was because Evan wasn't taking his shit anymore. He was done with Jared, he was going to move on and never talk to him again. Evan didn't need, and especially didn't want, Jared anymore.  
He could've guessed that eventually, this would have happened, due to his covering of his own insecurities via acting like a complete asshole. Why did he even start doing that? Why would he do that? Why would he be so awful for so long?  
But he knows why. It was the only reason that made him keep being a dick when he could see he hurt Evan; Jared was going to be hated for being himself regardless. He was boring and an awkward, impulsive idiot. No one was going to like him no matter what he did, so why not be a jerk that was sometimes funny? That had been his logic when he first started being a huge jackass. Now, he wishes everything could change. _No, _he realizes. He just wishes the past could change.__  
Jared could feel words rushing off of his tongue, a last sort of defense - "Fuck you, Evan! Asshole!" - but it was a pretty fucking shitty defense, considering his voice was shaking and Jared was sure his mask slipped so Evan could see the hurt he's feeling. That scares him almost as much as Evan standing up to him.  
Jared turns and flees, leaving him alone in the hallway. Jared was going to go home, fuck this.  
When he slams open the school doors and rushes out, surging through the mass of kids already walking, busing, or driving home, he tries to keep his expression neutral and tries for the life of him to keep the burning behind his eyes from causing tears.  
He does what he always did; puts the panic and anxiety and self-hatred away. That didn't numb it this time, though; Jared can feel the twist of his stomach firmly tying itself up and he could feel his throat constricting around itself.  
He feels an ache in his chest.  
He lets out a small but sharp breath, allowing himself to reach up and gently touch his chest, as if that could stop the complete and utter regret and misery swimming around there.  
Instead of comforting, however, his touch seems to cave everything in, and- ah, there was that famous, gaping hole. It was worse than Jared could have anticipated, even if he did believe in the concept of a hurting heart.  
It fees like it was sucking everything in, a swirling tangle of hurt riding throughout his chest. It makes his throat tighten even more than it already had, makes his stomach freeze over so that now it was icy and biting along with heavy. It twists his heart painfully, like someone was squeezing it, like multiple people were, like they were trying to make it burst. Maybe that was how hearts full-on broke.  
Jared wants to drop to his knees and curl up and just let himself cry, let the sobs that wanted to to tear through his throat out, if only to get it to caught with the tightness of it.  
He wants the damn hole to close, but Jared knew it wouldn't. Of course it wasn't going to. He'd ruined his friendship with Evan forever, he'd lost Evan forever, he'd fucked up the best damn thing in his damn life. Of course he did.  
Jared didn't think that it could happen, that there was really a way to feel the pain in your heart like everything and one always said you could. Now, he allows himself to choke on a small, bitter laugh at how foolish he was, before clamping down on his teeth to keep from letting any tears escape from his eyes. Now, he wishes he'd taken the warning.  
But he wishes a lot of things that can't happen anymore, so it shouldn't surprise him that his wish doesn't come true.

**Author's Note:**

> WHOO what a ride lmfao this isn't even like 1k words  
> anyway helo my dudes who may be reading this  
> i am a fellow sufferer like you who enjoys writing  
> im in a heck of a lot of fandoms and i hecking never finish anything nd that's rlly all to know abt me lol  
> anyway abt this work in general  
> idk i was listening to some music and for some reason i particularly noticed a line that was like "it's funny how artistic we get when our hearts are broken" (edgy i know) and one part of me was like "hey have u ever even felt like ur heart was broken no i think not" and it led to a sudden burst of inspiration  
> i love my son jared so i threw this onto him lmfao get rekt  
> jk i'm sorry kleinmeme but you make it so easy to write these things abt you  
> anyway lol hi  
> i enjoy writing things obv and i'm a human made up of feelings for fictional characters and coffee  
> i like to think i'm nice for the most part lol i just have the all-lowercase ##aesthetic  
> nah lol sorry  
> anyway i doubt that i'll post often but tbh we'll just have to w8 and see??  
> but for now thanks for reading!! (esp for reading this author's note if you did!!)


End file.
